There’s a line in a Ben Harper song I was listening to this weekend. “With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?”
So true. It’s agonizing. I have tons of friends and good people, but for some reason, I’ve been shutting myself off from most of them, glazing over the surface of my problems with The Boy and not even mentioning the daily confusion that runs through my thoughts. I think I should stop talking to him because every time I do, I go from “Oh, he’s so not changing and coming back” to “he really does love me and wants to be the person I need.”
I feel bad because there are people that want to see me like that and I’m just toying right now. I care about everyone, deeply, but at this point, I’m pretty sure whoever gets my wrath after this is going to be chewed up and spit out, with all my residual anger from all this. And I can’t really care for anyone like that right now. I’m waiting for him to come back and at the same time, I want to get over it. Can’t really do both.
So, here I am, buying new clothes, going out and flirting, getting my hair cut, new makeup, etc. I instinctual want him to see me like this and say “damn, I miss her. Let me fix myself so we can try again.” But Jesus, how many times does that happen? Never? No man changes for a girl unless he really, deeply, truly loves her and part of me is very hurt that it appears he doesn’t. I’m being burned in the worst way.
We have relationship with potential, my hairstylist said. Totally true. We love because we love the best in people. Women, that is. Men love what is there, we love what we think will be there and when a person doesn’t turn out like we anticipate, it hurts. We have invested in a future that was never going to happen. Wasted time on another fantasy.
So I have no answers for Mr. Harper. I feel him though. Totally.