Two things happened today. I talked to my brother and then I finished my book. In order of thoughts.
Conversation with my brother
My brother, who I generally refer to (out of love) as Ugly, was trying to convince me that I shouldn’t be afraid of what’s ahead. I was trying to explain to him that it’s not fear of being broke or having to move or getting a new job, it’s more that I have such a multitude of decisions that it’s overwhelming. I’m bad a decisions. Often, I’ll spend so long contemplating what to have for dinner that I’ll forget to eat dinner.
It shouldn’t be scary, he said. I have the chance and the push to try something completely different. Something I’ve been dreaming of for awhile. I can move across the country, or stay here. I can take my career whereever I’d like to.
It’s a rare chance, he said. To do something completely different.
And he’s right. There are some decisions that are simpler than others, like when I’m going to move home. The answer to that is soon. Staying with my brother won’t be a huge problem.
I will figure it out and I will find what is best and I will end up somewhere better. I know I’ve been saying that since last week, but I’m slowly starting to believe it. I’m trying not to be as lethargic and to get off my ass and actually do something.
I just finished reading Phillip Pullman’s trilogy His Dark Materials.
It’s amazing. The theme, or moral or what I got out of the book is that you have to live your life for the greater good. Sacrifices are necessary. Things will suck. You will be sad.
It’s not anything I did not know, of course.
But I’m thinking that there is a purpose. I don’t really subscribe to God or Christianity strictly. I’m Pagan, more or less. But our lives have a purpose, whether small or great. We need to not live for ourselves. Of course happiness is great, but it’s not everything. Happiness is a piece of the puzzle.
I think. I’m really typing out loud.
So. I am trying to make the decisions I need to, after talking to my brother, that will be the best overall and lead me to where I’m supposed to be, after reading my book.
It’s almost as if I have two pieces of a photo and I can’t get the edges to line up right. It’s driving me nuts trying to get it done, but something is not working. So here I am moving the pieces up and down and left and right.