staffing difficulties

I do not usually write about work. I’m actually barred from it, gotta keep up the company’s profile and all.

But yesterday, I was called in hours earlier than usual, to meet with my bosses’ bosses’ boss.

Yesterday, I lost my job.

Yesterday, I was laid off.

I am fine for hours at a time, and I think clearly. I will file for unemployment. I will have to give my land lord notice. I need to sell my stuff. I will move home in a month and a half.

But there are hours, like when I woke up this morning, that I am not OK. It hits me like a ton of bricks that the place I had called my second home for nearly two years no longer welcomes me. I no longer have a job. I no longer have a steady paycheck. Despite all my griping and grumbling, it was work and there were people there that made me happy. Made me laugh and made me proud. I had a job that was close to ideal and bosses that I liked and could deal with.

I was in journalism, a field I loved. I had plans to do amazing things for our web site. New, innovative things.

None of those plans will see the light of day.

For hours, I am just sad. Sometimes I’m angry. What did I do wrong? I know it was a business decision, but it feels so personal. I seem to have an unending reserve of tears for this. I always told myself that I am one of those people that has passion for their work. No matter what job I had, i was proud of it and I loved it. It was in the core of my being.

I am at a loss now. What am I supposed to do?

I am very thankful for the coworkers who came by to bring me food and comfort me. I’m thankful for the friends who called to express their outrage and tell me that I am a wonderful journalist and I will land on my feet. I’m thankful for my understanding family, who is solidly behind me and my wonderful boyfriend who listened to me cry for 30 minutes, offering what hope he could.

I’m finding it hard to leave the safety of my bed. (I’m writing this in bed). I feel like I am mourning the death of something. Not just my job, but a period of my life cut far too short. I am mourning my faith and love in this industry. I do not know how I’ll find it again after this. Passion for your work does not keep you a job, apparently.

I am one of 1,400 people doing this. One of 1,400 people who are sad, shocked, and angry.

I am finding that in the face of all of this, I can’t find my optimism except for fleeting moments. I tell people that I think I’ll be OK, that I have a plan. But I am really scared, and I am faking it. I do not know what to do today, tomorrow, or the days afterward. I do not know where my life goes from here.