roller coaster

Now that I’m thinking hard about this, I’m glad I’m moving home.

I can save some money, while I look for jobs and wait for people to get back to me. I’m so incredibly frightened by my future that it can be overwhelming.

While I remain generally optimistic about finding a job, I can’t help but think “what if.”

I’m scared. I am scared that while newspaper are failing and there is all this talk about revamping the way we do news, there are few jobs out there. I feel like I’m fighting tooth and nail for them, but I know that’s not unlike any other industry in the US today.

The recession.

I am scared that while I am planning to move to San Diego with my brother, I’m really hoping that I will find a job in the next month and I can move somewhere else.

At the same time, I’m pretty sure I’m a little depressed. I’ve sat in front on my computer for 6 hours today, but I’ve gotten little blogging done. I packed a bit.

I canceled my satellite.

I worried.

When I’m at home, I worry. I’m not really surrounded by a support system here. I love my friends in SLO dearly, but they have their own jobs and lives to worry about, no one needs to be spending time occupying my brain so I don’t panic.

It’s times like this when I miss The Boy the most. He’s been my constant for the past three years and he’s the only person I can really spill it all to. When I’m lying on my closet floor, freaking out, crying, it’s him that is trying to soothe me. And when I’m upbeat, he’s encouraging me.

I feel terrible about it, because we spend so much time nurturing my life that we rarely have time to talk out his problems.

I don’t want anyone to worry about my mental health or anything. I’ve been worse. I feel like I’m going through something important and I think I need to be totally out there about what’s going on.

Is it going to get me a job? Not really, but it’s cathartic and there needs to be at least one honest journalist writing about it.