on being in the spotlight

If someone ever asks me if I want to be famous, I usually reply that I’d like to be famous enough for people to know my name, but not famous enough for people to know my face.

In truth, I have no idea. In college, my senior year, I took a independent study to make my last semester easier and to also take on a project on diversity that I’d been wanting to do.

I worked hard and no-so-hard, depending on the day. The last two months we hammered something out that made me happy, but not overjoyed. I had wanted to leave a legacy. I have no idea where that document is now. I’m pretty sure no one ever read it.

That’s one time out of a million where I decided to do something and it failed. Usually when I try to do something amazing. Apparently, I’m better at mediocre work than amazing things.

That’s a very sad truth about my life and I’m not trying to be modest.

So when someone asks me if i want to be famous, the real answer is that I know it’s probably not going to happen. That’s fine, not everyone can be famous, right? Not everyone has a legacy to leave behind.

However, it’s pretty disheartening to think that and wonder just what I’m doing with my life then. We can get into theology here, but suffice it to say that I’m not entirely convinced my soul is going anywhere beyond this.

So we’re back to: What am I doing here? The question I end up posing more often than not.

A while back we decided we needed some help in an area I’m not all that familiar with and being the person I am, I tried to help out some acquaintances. It didn’t work out. Not because they weren’t qualified, but more because we’re a start-up and we have a grand goal and the details can get kind of muggy. The part I feel worst about is that no one ever really told these perfectly talented people that we ended up hiring no one. These perfectly talented people are — of course — not too happy with me.

I still feel guilty about that and God knows how many other things we’ve done wrong. I have never been in charge. I’m groping in the dark sometimes here.

I try to live my life without regrets, but in this case, trying to do something awesome, yet again, bites me in the ass.

So, I tell myself, that mistakes must be made and sooner or later I’ll get it right. Sometimes, I believe myself. Most of the time, I wonder why I try.

I’m not looking for any sympathy here, just airing my thoughts on futility.

on being a bookworm

I was walking out of the library after a rough day at work.

I thought, “I love books. They talk to me, teach me, help me escape. And they never fail me. They may not be as good as I hope, but they’re there for me.”

I stopped when i finished that thought.

Every Sunday when I was younger, I went to the library with my father. He read, i amassed a gigantic pile of books that I would absorb in minutes. It was exciting.

I’ve always used books to escape. You travel through land, space and time in books. You find yourself in characters. You find lovers, friends and enemies.

I love books.