back to unemployment

On June 19, I was “let go.”

This time I didn’t sign a confidentiality waiver, so I can talk about it more.

On the outside, I’ve been pretty sunny, saying that I was unhappy anyway and that I didn’t like the company’s direction.

But parts of my are flailing. This is the second time, almost exactly a year later, that I’ve been laid off. The first time I struggled with whether journalism was my true calling and luckily, I felt like i found a job in a new branch of journalism.

So far, I’ve sent out what must be near 40 applications now. I’ve e-mailed and facebooked and linkedin pretty much everyone. I’ve gone to four networking events.

I’m tired and I want to snap at everyone that is complaining about their job. “At least you have a paycheck. I don’t know how I’m going to pay rent!”

I haven’t yet.

I feel beaten down by the system, by the career that I love so much. I feel lost.

Again.

question:

when you’re being shot down, how do you tell yourself that you’re good at what you do. How do you keep your confidence up?

flying on the wind

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the type of person I want to be.

I went camping over Memorial Day weekend with some good friends and at some point, laying on the beach of a lake and laughing, I realized I envied my friends.

All of the people I was with shared one quality. They were people who made it a point to enjoy life, to make the most of everything. For some of them, it was chasing their careers and loving their job. Others, it was spending time with family.

How am I spending so much time worrying about why I’m not happy? Why wasn’t I just spending time being happy.

Seems like a silly realization, but it’s true.

I spend so many hours of the day worrying about work and if I’m happy. Or why I haven’t met enough people in Los Angeles, my new home. Or my aging parents. Or how i could lose one more pound.

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve tried stopping. I stop worrying. I say, “I can’t control this and that is as good as it’s going to be.” I say no. I say yes when I want to say no. I’ve been working out and eating not to lost weight, but just to be better.

In a strange way, it’s working.

I’ve lost more weight than I have in a couple of months. I’ve had fewer nightmares about work. I’ve gone out a few times and met new people.

Sometimes, it’s about getting past yourself.

So now it’s about living my dreams. I just got this necklace. On one side is says “Love the life you live.” On the other, it says “Live the life you love.” I’m trying my best to embrace that.

random poetry

In close comfort
anxiety needs to be excised
Hold me closer
…closer
remind me what it is like to breathe again
breathe the scent of forgotten moments
breathe in the taste of lavender and lilacs
on a spring day
come here
and remember what it is to breathe.

A girl lay on the road
feeling the wet concrete
wet from tears
happiness or sadness, she didn’t know

The cat in the corner lay staring
half asleep
with a look of disapproval on it’s face

A girl walks down the street
barefoot
sidestepping asphalt for grass
the blades dig into her skin
cutting out her fears

The boy lay far away
lost in a dream, breathing deeply
Dreams of rainforests and fishing

A girl opened a cabinet
looking for her heart
only to find a can of tuna
and a jar of deep breaths

The mother cut tomatoes
hands aching
knowing she wanted nothing more and nothing less

A girl fell asleep
breathing deeply and waiting for her heart
to come back home