talking about it without talking about it

I am entirely aware that I have not published any chapters for awhile. I need to take some time out and do some writing. I know.

I have never entirely been sure how I feel about all of this. I am not the bearer of my own fate.

And it could be that I am afraid of letting go. Letting it all take its own course to where it will go. But the fear and the thrill of flying through it all is frightening. I let go before, you know. I let it go as far as it could, full well knowing that it would hurt later. Full well knowing that I was speeding to my defeat. But I wanted to try.

And you have been there. You have been there waiting every step of the way, waiting with laughter and everything I could have needed. Letting everything go is frightening because who knows where it will end up and that last time ended worse than I could have ever expected. I cannot be the bearer of my own fate but of how do we wish that we had the power to change everything we wanted. To have an inkling of everything that mattered.

I want to tell you and I want to tell fate that this is not the right way. It is supposed to stay here, not go over there. We are supposed to go this way. THIS way, the way I had charted in my head and planned for. But the signs are pointing that way. That way over there.

But man, that is not the fate I had intended. At all.

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