Crowds

Alone in a crowd again
This time at the top of the world
Twinkle blink shine
The lights stretch far enough and the ground shakes
With the tremble
Of falling loves and lives
The Hilton shines close by and the couple walk by hand in hand
Here they are sharing a moment
Only spying unintentionally
Prize fighters sit alone waiting for love to come by
He’s a Teddy bear he says
Keep your head down stay in the corner
It’s a shame he lost you here

Alone in a crowd Tourists taking snapshots
To go home and show their friends
Switching out jack for Crown and the noises that made you writhe push you down
At the top of the world fighting the lonely
In the corner
Of your eye
Of your heart
Of the ring
Were all waiting for something
And the tricksters trick you into loving the unloveable the unloved the loveless the lovelorn
As the skies grow closer to light you’re hoping it’ll change
And prize fighter hope for a win
And the boys fighting the war hope for home
All waiting for something

Alone in a crowd again.

lock and key

I let you in here thinking that it’d be safe and you’d never trample on the eggshells like you have over and over again it hurts too much to speak words out loud but you’re right there’s something wrong with you. When someone lets you in to the place where no one goes and you throw a party in the name of yourself there’s nothing left for me to do but throw you out and lock this all away again. It’s so pretty in the light and the pieces shine with a brilliance I think that most would find illuminating but what did you do but take all that trust and not treat this like the special place it is. They said i deserved better but I saw flashes of something that was amazing in you that no one else could give me or so I thought and the way you touched me sent sparks flying I felt like you could do the thing that no one else has done and see what I see in myself in here. But it never works the way I want it to and letting you go has hurt me but then again its my fault for thinking you would be the man I saw in your eyes instead of the man you choose to act like but god it’s so hard to not see hope in other people it’s the last shred of my personality not tampered with my sarcasm and coldness and now I’m not so sure I can ever let this happen again. It just hurts so much god oh god I don’t know how I never saw the darkness in here creeping in over there by the corner again sharp as razors and cutting open pieces of me over and over and over again. No. Let’s lock this away and never let anyone in here again I can’t stand to be disappointed again by one more person who I thought could see the light and the brilliance it’s almost better to enjoy this alone forever rather than be in this place with a broken heart and razors inching closer to hand without me wanting them there. God just leave me alone.

pieces

The fragility of the comforts we’ve built
falls apart so quickly
and the rickety nature
of our egos
crumbles in the sunlight

When I showed you the pieces
and you demanded more
they fell apart in my hands.

Push and pull
they’re all asking for more
and the links get weaker
piling on more
in the powdery Jenga game I started

Stop
and look at me
without the ultimatums
quickly
before more pieces fall out.

cuts

Cold sheets
wake you in the morning
the crispness now cutting
the white too glaring

deep breaths here
today’s another day
and nothing is better
nothing is worse
it is
it is

the mewing of the cat
the rattle of the nothing
it just is

It cuts in here
the fort of bed
protection from the outside world
it cuts in here
but it’s all we’ve got

No one to reach for
Nothing to call out to
if a tree falls in the forest…
it just is.

fairy tales

The door is shut
and the lock is solid
but you need to push through

All the princess in the tower wants
is to know you want her too

It’s not an easy climb
and she’s never swept the stairwell

And in the morning
when you’re both there together
she’ll know it’s her you came for
and her you’ll come back to

She’ll know that you’ll never leave
in the dark of the night
Your arms will keep her safe
Her mind will keep you sharp

The princess in the tower
she wants you there
she’ll never say so
at least not today.

70 mph

You were going at 70 mph when I met you
he said
and now I’m going at 20
I replied

Speed is such a variable
and so much slows you down
the weight of life
heartbreak
loss
and love

But there is so much ahead
so much better than what we just left
and the speedometer can move
the air can lift us up
and keep us going

The road under your feet
and the racing in your chest

Let go
and run straight ahead
the curves will disappear
and the signs will blow over

The quiet of the rush in my ears
at 70 mph.

I hate what I just wrote, but it’s what’s been on my mind all night.

we forget them

I.

I’m beginning to forget

what it felt like to be near you

the voice you used when we were alone

the touch you gave when no one was looking

I only remember

the time I laughed for half an hour straight

and you had no idea why

but I forget

your face in that moment.

II.

and his reassurances that everything would be OK

the laugh we both share

and the way we rub our eyes

I’m beginning to forget

because he’s not the same anymore

I know nothing will be the same

and it will be OK

but he is not the man I remember

and he’s always the same man.

III.

When you walk away

I will push away the memories

of murmurs in the middle of the night

and the thrill of the rollercoaster

I want to forget

when you pulled me close to you in your sleep

I want to forget

brushing my hair from my face.

IV.

We forget that which we want

We remember what pains

Memory glides between tangible and intangible

and slips between the sheets

in the middle of the night

farther away than we ever wanted it to go

what is left

The words we’re left with
are quiet and false
they stab quickly
and they can never be taken back

It’s too late for I’m sorry
and there’s not much left to save us
except a change of heart

The songs we’re left singing
are dark and a little painful
the kind written in dark rooms

but what else is there
but what is
and what is left
is all we have

cold beds and square holes

I’m not sure I can do this again
but there may not be a choice

A space
left open
by what was once there
and the curl of your arm
cold as the air outside

It’s not a tragedy
we can pick up and move on
but here was so perfect
the air stands still
and we don’t want to move

But the space stands open
and there is no way to patch it up
square holes and round pegs

You leave with what was once there
I can hear the door close
and there’s nothing to do but go back to numb

I’m not sure I can do this again.