I miss…

being near the ocean

being near the woods

getting my feet wet

the excitement of learning something new

the kind of night that flies by way too fast

making egg rolls with my family

getting dragged out to the bar by my roommate

the smell of orange blossoms

Chinese food that never disappoints

BBQ

snuggling close to The Boy, even when I’m hot

knowing that someone has my back

talking to strangers, and having a good reason for it

the camaraderie of a newsroom

making fun of whatever the Mayor’s doing now, or even knowing what it is that he’s doing

whispers he thinks I don’t hear

I live here

I went on a hike today, in my ever long efforts to be fit and perchance lose some weight.

The trail, Fryman Canyon, isn’t far from my house. I’m not sure how I missed it before.

You know when you move to a new city, there is a moment when you realize this might, just maybe be home? Walking up that gigantic hill with Hollywood moms, people in “the industry” and others,

I live here. In this ridiculous city.

I live here.

the question

I ask myself: What am I doing here?

Sometimes it’s in wonder. How could I be so lucky?

Sometimes it’s with shame. How did I let it get this far?

Sometimes it’s in bewilderment. What happened to my life?

Sometimes it’s in sadness. Why haven’t I done more?

It’s how I keep a check on myself. What is my purpose, anyway? I don’t, really. I am an aimless wanderer, for better or worse.

moving

It looks like I’m moving in with my brother in a month or so.

I didn’t get a job I applied to here in town and there is little likelihood that I’ll find something else, so it’s off to San Diego to save some money and continue to look for work.

If I’m lucky I’ll find something great in the next couple of weeks, but things are starting to look grim. I’m generally under or over-qualified for jobs. I would be a great web producer for another newspaper, except no one is hiring for that right now. No one is hiring for anything right now.

Thank goodness for unemployment.

the best thing

Two things happened today. I talked to my brother and then I finished my book. In order of thoughts.

Conversation with my brother

My brother, who I generally refer to (out of love) as Ugly, was trying to convince me that I shouldn’t be afraid of what’s ahead. I was trying to explain to him that it’s not fear of being broke or having to move or getting a new job, it’s more that I have such a multitude of decisions that it’s overwhelming. I’m bad a decisions. Often, I’ll spend so long contemplating what to have for dinner that I’ll forget to eat dinner.

It shouldn’t be scary, he said. I have the chance and the push to try something completely different. Something I’ve been dreaming of for awhile. I can move across the country, or stay here. I can take my career whereever I’d like to.

It’s a rare chance, he said. To do something completely different.

And he’s right. There are some decisions that are simpler than others, like when I’m going to move home. The answer to that is soon. Staying with my brother won’t be a huge problem.

I will figure it out and I will find what is best and I will end up somewhere better. I know I’ve been saying that since last week, but I’m slowly starting to believe it. I’m trying not to be as lethargic and to get off my ass and actually do something.

My book

I just finished reading Phillip Pullman’s trilogy His Dark Materials.

It’s amazing. The theme, or moral or what I got out of the book is that you have to live your life for the greater good. Sacrifices are necessary. Things will suck. You will be sad.

It’s not anything I did not know, of course.

But I’m thinking that there is a purpose. I don’t really subscribe to God or Christianity strictly. I’m Pagan, more or less. But our lives have a purpose, whether small or great. We need to not live for ourselves. Of course happiness is great, but it’s not everything. Happiness is a piece of the puzzle.

I think. I’m really typing out loud.

So. I am trying to make the decisions I need to, after talking to my brother, that will be the best overall and lead me to where I’m supposed to be, after reading my book.

It’s almost as if I have two pieces of a photo and I can’t get the edges to line up right. It’s driving me nuts trying to get it done, but something is not working. So here I am moving the pieces up and down and left and right.

an improvement

I know people were worried about my state of mind when I posted about what happened this week.

I’m OK.

I wanted to say thanks to everyone, friends and strangers alike, for being so incredibly supporting and amazing. I’ve gotten phone calls, e-mails, and encouragement from places I never expected. I feel blessed (a term I rarely use) to have such wonderful people surrounding me.

I’m taking a week or so off from stressing about this whole deal to spend with my friends and pretend I’m on vacation. I’ve been able to work on my blog re-design (again), and work on some freelance possibilities. I’m still applying to everything I can left and right, but I’m realizing that yes, like everyone said, this may be the best thing that happened to me.

I can chase my dreams for a bit and see what happens.

I am spending time with people I rarely got to see before. I am sleeping better.

I can do this. I will do this.

But, if you do have a job open or need a kickbutt web producer/blog writer, you know where to find me.

staffing difficulties

I do not usually write about work. I’m actually barred from it, gotta keep up the company’s profile and all.

But yesterday, I was called in hours earlier than usual, to meet with my bosses’ bosses’ boss.

Yesterday, I lost my job.

Yesterday, I was laid off.

I am fine for hours at a time, and I think clearly. I will file for unemployment. I will have to give my land lord notice. I need to sell my stuff. I will move home in a month and a half.

But there are hours, like when I woke up this morning, that I am not OK. It hits me like a ton of bricks that the place I had called my second home for nearly two years no longer welcomes me. I no longer have a job. I no longer have a steady paycheck. Despite all my griping and grumbling, it was work and there were people there that made me happy. Made me laugh and made me proud. I had a job that was close to ideal and bosses that I liked and could deal with.

I was in journalism, a field I loved. I had plans to do amazing things for our web site. New, innovative things.

None of those plans will see the light of day.

For hours, I am just sad. Sometimes I’m angry. What did I do wrong? I know it was a business decision, but it feels so personal. I seem to have an unending reserve of tears for this. I always told myself that I am one of those people that has passion for their work. No matter what job I had, i was proud of it and I loved it. It was in the core of my being.

I am at a loss now. What am I supposed to do?

I am very thankful for the coworkers who came by to bring me food and comfort me. I’m thankful for the friends who called to express their outrage and tell me that I am a wonderful journalist and I will land on my feet. I’m thankful for my understanding family, who is solidly behind me and my wonderful boyfriend who listened to me cry for 30 minutes, offering what hope he could.

I’m finding it hard to leave the safety of my bed. (I’m writing this in bed). I feel like I am mourning the death of something. Not just my job, but a period of my life cut far too short. I am mourning my faith and love in this industry. I do not know how I’ll find it again after this. Passion for your work does not keep you a job, apparently.

I am one of 1,400 people doing this. One of 1,400 people who are sad, shocked, and angry.

I am finding that in the face of all of this, I can’t find my optimism except for fleeting moments. I tell people that I think I’ll be OK, that I have a plan. But I am really scared, and I am faking it. I do not know what to do today, tomorrow, or the days afterward. I do not know where my life goes from here.

Here is the thing

I am a girl. Girls, especially my kind, make plans. I have plans for the future, a little dream of how things will work out.

So, this morning, when he said that realistically it might not work out…I hung up and wanted to cry.

I was watching my plans fall, piece by piece, like a very ill-built jenga tower. I’m watching it fall and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can’t move my life around anymore.

I can’t move out of state. I worked hard to get here and I’m not letting that go.

I don’t know what to do. None of this is up to me. And I cannot, just cannot be apart any longer. I don’t know that I’ll last another 3 years. I sometimes question if i can last another 3 months.

I hate depending on other people to decide my life. This is not how I was brought up. This is not what I want to do.

it’s time for a little refreshment

I went to Fresno this week for a meet and greet with the other web folk. It’s nice to hear that we’re all usually on the same page and I felt a little less inadequate, except when they were talking about software and coding. The geek in me wanted to jump up and down and scream, “Teach me this stuff, please!”

I’m also now addicted to the sixtyone. It’s basically a web player with a lot (not all) undiscovered music. Love it. Thanks to my friend Matt for getting me hooked.

In terms of what in the hell the post title means, I think I’m going to start writing again. Like, fiction writing. I told myself since this blog got on Alltop, I should probably post a little more often and in more than once sentence posts, perhaps.

I’ll start that…..tomorrow.