writing with headache

This thing on top of my neck hurts, from the lack of caffeine, but I’m going to try and write anyway. Let’s just do this freethought until my battery runs out.

You went away one person and never quite came back. I’m not sure who I am to begin with so who can fault you for that? But do you even know who you are now? You were by my side and then you were not. You who judges me for the choices I made. The words form but I can never say them out loud. I’m worried you who judges are toxic. I’m worried you who went away won’t come back to me. Changes happen here and here and the sun shines almost every day in Los Angeles. But never quite the same way. Nothing is constant, they say, so you better get used to whatever as not being what you thought it was. Sitting consciously in that weariness wearies me. We are never who we once were and when he whispers in her ear he changes both of them forever. What she says next – or doesn’t say – could be the beginning or the end.

I always write in circles. Beginnings and ends. It’s always about the path we take from one day to the next and what maybe, could have happened if you turned right instead of left. Re-evaluating the choices we make but never regretting them.

God knows what that all just meant. But it’s there. I did it.

the best thing

Two things happened today. I talked to my brother and then I finished my book. In order of thoughts.

Conversation with my brother

My brother, who I generally refer to (out of love) as Ugly, was trying to convince me that I shouldn’t be afraid of what’s ahead. I was trying to explain to him that it’s not fear of being broke or having to move or getting a new job, it’s more that I have such a multitude of decisions that it’s overwhelming. I’m bad a decisions. Often, I’ll spend so long contemplating what to have for dinner that I’ll forget to eat dinner.

It shouldn’t be scary, he said. I have the chance and the push to try something completely different. Something I’ve been dreaming of for awhile. I can move across the country, or stay here. I can take my career whereever I’d like to.

It’s a rare chance, he said. To do something completely different.

And he’s right. There are some decisions that are simpler than others, like when I’m going to move home. The answer to that is soon. Staying with my brother won’t be a huge problem.

I will figure it out and I will find what is best and I will end up somewhere better. I know I’ve been saying that since last week, but I’m slowly starting to believe it. I’m trying not to be as lethargic and to get off my ass and actually do something.

My book

I just finished reading Phillip Pullman’s trilogy His Dark Materials.

It’s amazing. The theme, or moral or what I got out of the book is that you have to live your life for the greater good. Sacrifices are necessary. Things will suck. You will be sad.

It’s not anything I did not know, of course.

But I’m thinking that there is a purpose. I don’t really subscribe to God or Christianity strictly. I’m Pagan, more or less. But our lives have a purpose, whether small or great. We need to not live for ourselves. Of course happiness is great, but it’s not everything. Happiness is a piece of the puzzle.

I think. I’m really typing out loud.

So. I am trying to make the decisions I need to, after talking to my brother, that will be the best overall and lead me to where I’m supposed to be, after reading my book.

It’s almost as if I have two pieces of a photo and I can’t get the edges to line up right. It’s driving me nuts trying to get it done, but something is not working. So here I am moving the pieces up and down and left and right.