question:

when you’re being shot down, how do you tell yourself that you’re good at what you do. How do you keep your confidence up?

wait.

The Boy asked me, not two minutes ago, why I am not blogging more about what is going on (you know, job loss, sleeping in til noon, and drinking heavily)

I am waiting until Friday, which is my last day.

Then you might hear more. If i have the guts.

staffing difficulties

I do not usually write about work. I’m actually barred from it, gotta keep up the company’s profile and all.

But yesterday, I was called in hours earlier than usual, to meet with my bosses’ bosses’ boss.

Yesterday, I lost my job.

Yesterday, I was laid off.

I am fine for hours at a time, and I think clearly. I will file for unemployment. I will have to give my land lord notice. I need to sell my stuff. I will move home in a month and a half.

But there are hours, like when I woke up this morning, that I am not OK. It hits me like a ton of bricks that the place I had called my second home for nearly two years no longer welcomes me. I no longer have a job. I no longer have a steady paycheck. Despite all my griping and grumbling, it was work and there were people there that made me happy. Made me laugh and made me proud. I had a job that was close to ideal and bosses that I liked and could deal with.

I was in journalism, a field I loved. I had plans to do amazing things for our web site. New, innovative things.

None of those plans will see the light of day.

For hours, I am just sad. Sometimes I’m angry. What did I do wrong? I know it was a business decision, but it feels so personal. I seem to have an unending reserve of tears for this. I always told myself that I am one of those people that has passion for their work. No matter what job I had, i was proud of it and I loved it. It was in the core of my being.

I am at a loss now. What am I supposed to do?

I am very thankful for the coworkers who came by to bring me food and comfort me. I’m thankful for the friends who called to express their outrage and tell me that I am a wonderful journalist and I will land on my feet. I’m thankful for my understanding family, who is solidly behind me and my wonderful boyfriend who listened to me cry for 30 minutes, offering what hope he could.

I’m finding it hard to leave the safety of my bed. (I’m writing this in bed). I feel like I am mourning the death of something. Not just my job, but a period of my life cut far too short. I am mourning my faith and love in this industry. I do not know how I’ll find it again after this. Passion for your work does not keep you a job, apparently.

I am one of 1,400 people doing this. One of 1,400 people who are sad, shocked, and angry.

I am finding that in the face of all of this, I can’t find my optimism except for fleeting moments. I tell people that I think I’ll be OK, that I have a plan. But I am really scared, and I am faking it. I do not know what to do today, tomorrow, or the days afterward. I do not know where my life goes from here.

news: I woke up to hear this

McClatchy said it is reducing workforce through both voluntary and involuntary separations, as well as managed attrition, involving about 1,400 full-time equivalent employees (FTE’s). The company will retain its strategic focus on sales, news and online operations as it realigns operations, with decisions about the size and profile of changes differing by location.

McClatchy historically has not used broad layoffs to manage staff size, relying instead on attrition and selected job eliminations through outsourcing. This has been an effective strategy, resulting in workforce reduction of 13% between the end of 2006 and April 2008, but today’s more competitive media environment and challenging operating conditions mean the company must move more aggressively to shape the overall workforce.

I don’t have anything to say…yet. This is scary.

Read morea bout McClathy’s announcement.

it’s time for a little refreshment

I went to Fresno this week for a meet and greet with the other web folk. It’s nice to hear that we’re all usually on the same page and I felt a little less inadequate, except when they were talking about software and coding. The geek in me wanted to jump up and down and scream, “Teach me this stuff, please!”

I’m also now addicted to the sixtyone. It’s basically a web player with a lot (not all) undiscovered music. Love it. Thanks to my friend Matt for getting me hooked.

In terms of what in the hell the post title means, I think I’m going to start writing again. Like, fiction writing. I told myself since this blog got on Alltop, I should probably post a little more often and in more than once sentence posts, perhaps.

I’ll start that…..tomorrow.